Archive for July, 2006

Does Anybody Have Breasts?

Monday, July 31st, 2006

I tried on some bathing suits over the weekend. Eventually, I made my way to the large bathing suit tops. They fit perfectly except one thing, that they ALL had in common, even across multiple brand names.

They all seemed to think that the female wearer is flat-chested. So evidently, I’m a non-petite person enough to be trying on a large, but the breast areas are tiny. Even odder, they all came with removable pads in the breasts. So the implication is that a large or XL person needs to pad an area that barely covered half of each of my breasts.

What are we breeding? Are we breeding large women with no boobs? I’m just not getting the sizing and cut of these bathing suit tops.


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Songs About Rockin’

Friday, July 28th, 2006

If you are writing a song, and the song is about how much, how hard, how well you rock, or that you plan to rock shortly, you can really just stop there.

This reminds me of a cake I once saw at the bakery. It was a small, brown cake. Who knows what’s inside it? Well, we could ask, or we could read it. As if it said, "Happy Birthday Jenny," the darn cake had, "Mocha," beautifully written on it.

Mocha.

Sometimes you don’t need to say what you are, you mocha cake and rock song.


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50% Chance of Anything

Thursday, July 27th, 2006

Earlier this week, they announced a 50% chance of rain. Guess what. It’s a 50% chance of rain pretty much every day. Coin toss: heads or tails. Either it rains or it doesn’t!

That means that everything is a 50% chance of either it happens or it doesn’t. Winning the lottery. 1 in 149,000,000? Nope! 50/50. Either you win or you lose.


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My Life Is Built On A Stinking Lie

Wednesday, July 26th, 2006

There is a new Secret (deodorant) commercial where (supposedly) people are telling friends their secrets. I recently saw one with two elderly women. One is telling the other that she had to bribe her brother to take the other woman to the junior prom by promising to do all of his chores for the entire summer.

The woman telling the story then says that it evidently didn’t matter since "you ended up marrying him anyway!" So the other woman, who seems to be laughing at this whole story, can relax and know that her life and marriage were built on a lie.

The commercial promotes their http://www.secret.com/share/ website. I just looked at "secrets revealed" to find that one woman wrote in to say that one of her secrets is that a bird pooped on her head. WHOA, I’m not ready for such a revelation!

The crazy things a deodorant makes women do.


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100% Tender, 0% Nutritious

Tuesday, July 25th, 2006

McDonalds has new commercials aimed at Moms to say that their food is healthy for kids.

What? Is this legal? Class action suit, anybody?

The Mom is telling her daughter that what goes in your tummy is more important than what goes on it (the girl is playing dress-up). So she takes her to McDonalds for, what my Mom called when we were little, Rubber McNuggets.

They show the daughter happily eating them, and on the screen next to her, it says, "100% tender." The next screen says, "Made with white meat."

Some white meat? Bits? White meat of what animal? The best promise and guarantee you can give us is that they’re 100% tender? Well sure, you’ve shot them up with Lord knows what. The rest is mysterious mystery "meat."

Let’s not pretend that we go to McDonalds for nutrition. I can’t decide which needs to change first: their deceptive advertising or their poisonous "food."


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Associating Golf With Erections

Monday, July 24th, 2006

While watching some of the World Cup, ESPN/ABC TV kept saying that as soon as the World Cup ended, they’d be showing the Cialis Western Open.

Cialis sponsored a golf tournament and put their name on it. Some happy winner will say he won the Cialis Western Open. And something about "Cialis" and "open" in the same name is even odder.

Playing my reverse target demographic game, the audience for the golf match on TV is evidently men with erectile problems or the women involved with them. The photo on the Cialis home page is of old people, so the TV viewers are evidently OLD people with erectile issues.

What’s next? The Vagisil Southern Open? Now that’s memorable.


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Soda or Missles

Friday, July 21st, 2006

News from 5 July:

Three people have been arrested and charged with stealing confidential information from The Coca-Cola Company and trying to sell it to rival PepsiCo Inc, United States federal prosecutors said in Atlanta today.

The suspects include an executive administrative assistant at Atlanta-based Coke, Joya Williams, who is accused of rifling through corporate files and stuffing documents and a new Coca-Cola product into a personal bag.

Williams, 41, Ibrahim Dimson, 30, and 43-year-old Edmund Duhaney are charged with wire fraud and unlawfully stealing and selling Coke trade secrets, federal prosecutors said.

They are expected to appear before a federal magistrate judge on Thursday in Atlanta.

Glory be! We have North Korea launching missles just for kicks, and people are super wrapped up in Coca-Cola trade secrets… a new Coke product even!

Let this be a warning to all your would-be Coke trade secret thieves! Launching missles is OK. Taking papers from your secretary job is NOT!

I’m going to guess that Coke released this so that we’d all get excited and buzz about a new Coke product.


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Talent Judges

Thursday, July 20th, 2006

If David Hasselhoff says you have talent, does that mean you do?

If David Hasselhoff says you don’t have talent, is he comparing you to how he sees himself?

Does David Hasselhoff have talent? That evidently depends upon your country of residence.

What if everything’s relative? What if everything really is in the eye of the beholder? How would you promote what you do and who you are?


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Please Enter A Valid PHone Number

Wednesday, July 19th, 2006

I had to fill out the customer service email form on the Sprint website. It asked for my phone number, so I put in my office line: 520 204 1935, just like that.

It gave me a form error, saying this was not a valid phone number. Well yes it is! I can swear to that! Just to see if I’m crazy, I took the spaces out and submitted the form again with my phone number as 5202041935. That went through fine.

Nowhere on the form did it say in what format the phone number had to be. The error the form shot back didn’t say that my phone number wasn’t properly formatted… it said it wasn’t a valid phone number.

They should improve their messaging. Someone else may not have guessed as correctly as I did!


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How To Ride An Escalator

Tuesday, July 18th, 2006

I used to ride the escalators at New York City’s 53rd & 3rd subway
station back in the just-out-of-university days. My weekday job was a few blocks
away. I found it odd that they played an audio message over the escalator that
among other things said:

"Escalators are for passengers only. No large packages over 5 feet."

I’m over 5 feet tall. What do I do? Meanwhile, how do you reconcile
"passengers only" with packages under 5 feet? So escalators are for people and
medium-sized parcels. The announcement is lying to me!

I also felt at the time that the people who may have needed to hear that
escalators are for people may not have understood the language in which the
announcement was broadcast (English), but that was just a guess.

The rest of us can just be insulted that the NYC Transit Authority seems to
think we need an announcement reminding us how to use an escalator. What’s the
target demo on that announcement? What problem does that message fix?

?


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