How To Be Scary

Monday, 26 January 2009 at 3:00 am Pacific USA Time.

Following from my famous blog series, "How To Be A Blog Shill," and "How To Badmouth A Company," we have today's exciting new instalment called, "How To Be Scary." Anybody looking to instil fear? Listen up because I have some tips for you.

  1. Pick your intended business target. Make sure it's some sort of quiet, retreating, passive person who would never THINK of publicly outing what you're doing in any way at all.
  2. Decide that the best way to scare, disturb, or distract someone would be prank phone calls.
  3. Call her business line to make sure she knows this is a business-related scaring. Make prank phone calls! Leave voice mails with your scary messages!
  4. Disregard today's great technologies that can trace phone calls OR any laws there might be against making such calls. Because scary people don't care about laws or being found out!
  5. Make some of these calls from your home land line, and leave caller ID showing. You're proud of these calls! You want everybody to know who you are. You're not going to be a coward and hide your caller ID!
  6. Say SCARY things on those voice mails like, "You're a fucking shit," and "Nobody likes you." Ooooo these will CERTAIN get your target under your thumb quickly! This is tension reminiscent only of great films like The Bourne Ultimatum!
  7. Leave a message telling this person she is trying to scare people. This will confuse her! She will not be able to handle the irony of the scary prank call telling her SHE is scary!
  8. Say these terrifying things in a pleasant but real British accent. Note that this WILL make you slightly less scary. You can try and make up for it by doing a sort of raspy whisper, or saying things quite seriously indeed. When you call someone a "fucking shit," you mean business!
  9. Include an action item! You are not making these calls for your health! You are making these calls to get somebody to do something, right! Let them know what that is!
  10. Make sure your target knows you want her to die. Whatever is going on in this business situation is clearly so dire that you need this other person to cease existing. Let her know on your voice mails.

There you go. You too can learn from the best! You too can be SCARY in business, and do it all behind the scenes so your customers won't know your true colours!

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Categories: That's Bad Marketing

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