What (Single) Men Don’t Understand


Tuesday, 15 June 2010 at 7:00 am Pacific USA Time.

Now that I've signed off Match.com, it's time for me to try to explain this en masse to you single guys out there.

You probably don't know what it's like to be a woman. :) OK, you really don't. :)

You don't know what it's like to be in unsafe situations. Let me put it like this. Let's say you go out on a date with a random woman you met on a dating site. Let's say she comes off as really unstable and wacky, and she seems to want a LOT more than you do. You think she's crazy, she thinks you're HOT, and she makes it quite clear she wants you. You tell her you're not interested. Let's say she's not getting the message, and she still wants you.

Let's say she follows you out to your car. Tries to kiss you. You are stronger because you are the man. You will be able to detach her from you, and push her away. Let's say she manages to trip you, and gets on top of you when you're on the ground. You will be able to push her off you.

You are never really too unsafe unless she shows up with serial killer equipment. :)

Now imagine you are 5' 4" and a woman. You're meeting a guy who wants way more than you do. You are not feeling it, and you make it clear that you're not thinking that. He's a hornball, and he has his own ideas. He follows you out to your car. He tries to kiss you. Can you fight him off? Can you physically overpower him, and get him to go away? If he gets on top of you, can you get him off you?

There have been MANY times in my life when I said NO to someone sexually, and ended up under him when he jumped on me. I have been kissed by guys I didn't like because they didn't think no meant no. And in every case, I have said out loud and made very clear that I was NOT interested in them that way, I did NOT want to kiss them, didn't want sex, etc… I try to communicate fully and clearly, but sometimes, it hasn't been enough. When someone is not hearing NO, they are really not hearing no, and sometimes, they are sure they are hearing yes.

I am very lucky that I've never been raped. I know many women who have been. But I know I have been in many unsafe situations that were only saved by my good communication, quick thinking, and ability to quickly judge escape routes. But in general, I need to NOT put myself into unsafe situations. They're easier to get out of when you never get into one.

Last year, a guy on Match.com had an idea for our date. He thought going for a walk sounded nice. Sure, that sounds nice. Where do you want to meet? He texts me that he wants to go for a walk behind where he works. The road is unpaved and has no name. It would be sunset on the coldest day of the year.

This sounded bad. This doesn't sound like "get to know me." I texted back that this was NOT the get-to-know-each-other setting I'd prefer, and what about just getting dinner or coffee. He texted back that he was sick of eating out, and refused to get a meal with me. I told him I would not go on this walk, and to please find something else for us to do. I never heard from him again. I can't help but wonder what might have happened if I went walking on the unpaved, unnamed road in the dark, just like he wanted.

Men, does that mean I think you're all serial killers, sexual predators, and wife beaters? No, absolutely not. Some of you are lovely. But it does mean that I am likely to be REALLY clear that when we meet, I am only thinking friends. I am not thinking sex. I will tell you this a few times. When I tell you this, you have two general reaction options:

  • Be concerned that I have been in bad situations. Understand that I am trying to ensure my own safety. Be glad that I am communicating clearly because if we weren't thinking the same thing, that would be not that cool. This would be showing care, which I like. :)
  • Take it personally. Not show any concern for some bad situations I've been in. Tell me you're insulted that I'm accusing you of being some sort of attacker. This would be putting me on the defensive, which will make me re-explain what I was trying to say, which makes me feel we are NOT on the same page. In theory, I shouldn't have to re-explain something I think I just explained really clearly. If you're not hearing me, we're not on the same page, and that's not good. I'd like to date a guy who hears me.

Men, if you are meeting a woman and she's a bit nervous, take the friendly route. Earn her trust. It may take time, but it often takes time to build trust. Don't get insulted or defensive, and don't make what I'm saying about me all about you.

Thanks for hearing me. :)


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Categories: Just An Observation

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One Response to “What (Single) Men Don’t Understand”

  1. Gary Overton says:

    Was friends with a lady once. She asked me to cuddle with her until she could go to sleep. She went to sleep. I got up to leave and she wakes up and pulls a 10-inch knife from the nightstand and tells me to get back in bed and do my duty. It’s funny how aggressive women turns me on so…
    True story